remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
