i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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