I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
