once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
