help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
