at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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