That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Oh god it's open bar.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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