ugly people sure do ruin things
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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