Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
