You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
