sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize