I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
