i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
