I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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