I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
