He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
