My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
