John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
