Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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