Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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