some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
