Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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