Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize