my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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