Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
