so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
