grandma shit on top of the toilet
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize