I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
