It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
