if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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