I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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