My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
