sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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