we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
