Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize