Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
