Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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