You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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