i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
