No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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