You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
