I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
