alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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