Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
