drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
