Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
