I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
