you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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