Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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