Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
