Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
