talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
