ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize