Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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