my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
