why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
