Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize