come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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