my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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