Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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