Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
