Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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