I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
