i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize